Thursday, April 1, 2010

The Bride's Big Day

I have always been strongly opposed to the idea that the day I get married will somehow be MY DAY. I don't believe a wedding should be all about a bride, for so many obvious reasons, and for a few not so obvious reasons as well. It's not as though the commitment of one's life is bigger for a bride than a groom. They are also dressed to kill and have a lot riding on the success and failures of the day. Not to mention the rest of the family, parents and in-laws and siblings...and very dear friends who (in our case) will be traveling from all over the world to share this experience. I have always believed that if anything, it is a shared day, one that is a collective effort and a collective experience.

But I have gotten into a bit of trouble with that way of thinking. When you start taking everyone's feelings and importance into consideration, you tend to have a whole lot of cooks in the kitchen. And you may be marrying into someone's family, but it doesn't mean you will have have the same taste, or sensibility, and sometimes those decisions get really hard to make when you start "sharing" your day with all the lunatics in your family.

Lately I have found myself feeling a little jealous of the brides who feel like this day is all about them. It would give me free reign to do what I want, plan the wedding I would love and say F you to all the demanders out there. Wow it would be so much easier!

Just a little mainstream dream from a feminist bride.


  1. Like your post and totally agree. As far as I can tell, 2 people are getting married, not 1, so it should be a big day for BOTH, not just the bride!

  2. "It's not as though the commitment of one's life is bigger for a bride than a groom. They are also dressed to kill...",
    totally agree! inspirational wedding site - thoughtful content, what a change!

  3. I respect what you have to say, but in my situation, I disagree. My fiance and I have a son that is named after him (our son is the 4th!). I got no choice whatsoever in the matter, even though I'm happy with our final decision. Since I was such a good sport about it, we decided then that I get to make the wedding decisions (even though later on I said he can make the reception plans, while I planned the ceremony). I think it's totally fair that way, because with our son being named after him, he made a decision that will be with us for an eternity, whereas I get to make decisions about one BIG day.

  4. I too am planning a wedding and am a feminist. So my wedding has to be a feminist themed wedding. And right now I am getting jealous of those who just take it as "MY day" while I am trying to please everyone cause I believe it is more than my day, his day, and our day. Thanks for writing this it really pin points how I feel.

  5. I'm not sure I can admit this on a feminist site, but in the months leading up to the planning phase, I watched "Say Yes to the Dress." All the seasons. (*shame*) The only part of it that I can remember is the part where one store employee points out that the grooms are so relaxed around what the bride chose because [paraphrasing], "It's her day. They sit back, let her have her day, and know that they'll get to have their power back once the wedding is over." It made me so sad to think that a woman gets one day and the man gets - we assume, although I'm sure it plays out differently for every couple - a lifetime.

    I also noticed that around wedding planning, I had the same veto power and was taken as seriously as the men are my job are when they suggest something. I suggest a taskforce, point out an industry insight, etc.? I have to fight to be heard, taken seriously, and (most important) get credit for it. Men open their mouths, steal ideas, spout nonsense, and are taken seriously. Wedding planning was my chance to experience that same respect - but for what? One day? One day that's actually totally unnecessary in that we could accomplish the same thing with $70 and 30 minutes at the courthouse? I get an entire lifetime and out of that, only one day is my day?

    So I approached the planning with the attitude that, to some extent, it was my and my fiance's event - but we only get one lifetime and every day is our day. Of course, we have to live those days considerately, taking others into consideration - but a wedding and the days leading up to it are no different.

    In exchange, I feel entitled to a post-wedding portion of "power" - or influence - within my marriage that is equivalent to my husband's. We're not swapping one day of "all about me" for a lifetime of "all about you"....