A Feminist Wedding has gone global

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Recently I had a long chat with a Houston Chronicle reporter about feminist weddings. Lo and behold she decided to being the article with the very loaded statement:

"Alix Sobler is getting married."

No joke. That is how it begins. The very first sentence.

Holy shit!

The article goes on to talk to many interesting women, self-designated feminists, (and non) about their experience getting married and planning a feminist wedding. I thought the article was great, but because of space requirements and other interest interviews there were many points I had made to the reporter that were not included. I think I will make some of them now.

*One of the most "feminist" things about my wedding, is that in a way, it came after my marriage. Jason and I have been together 7 (!) years. We arrived at the decision to have a wedding after we lived together, after our finances were combined, after we had all the big talks regarding family and religion, after we had shared equity, after we adopted two children of the feline persuasion...neither of us felt pressured by the other one to hurry up and commit. We truly had a marriage before a wedding, and that made the decision an easy one.

*In some ways our wedding will seem very traditional on the surface. White dress, walks down the aisle, etc. There are many hard core feminist couples who got married in hiking boots on the top of the mountain that scoff at the very notion of me calling my very Jewy, somewhat traditional wedding feminist at all. But here's the thing: In an effort NOT to make this day all about my (read: the bride's) experience, to include family and friends and relatives to whom this is an important event, (not to mention the groom,) I have had to make some concessions as well. (I was forbidden, FORBIDDEN to have an outside wedding, even with a tent by some senior members of my family. Could I have gone ahead and done it? Probably, but because this is not THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF MY LIFE as a woman, I realized that we should take other people's feelings into consideration. Within reason.)

* The bottom line in this. A lot of hard core feminists believe that marriage is an outdated, patriarchal institution that has no place for feminists. If that is true, then why not just say, "F it, I am already engaging in an anti-feminist ideal, why not go all the way with the veil and the doves and the whole shebang?" And I have struggled with this. But I think there needs to be room to reassign the meaning of marriage. In my experience my marriage has already been one of equality and mutual respect. We share everything from money and housekeeping to our frustrations and hopes. There is nothing "inherently patriarchal" about my marriage, and maybe that is a new option within in the last 100 years, but its true. So if we can reassign the meaning of marriage, maybe its not such a stretch to reassign the meaning behind weddings. And here is my first reassignment:

THE WHITE DRESS: For generations it has symbolized the virginity and therefore value of the bride. I love a white dress, but it was not enough for me to say, "Well, it makes me stand out." So here is my new meaning, at least partially. On the day of my wedding, my partner and I start a new. The white of my dress will signify a clean slate, a blank page, a new chance for us to write our story. Its not that all that has come before is forgotten, but lets say we are getting our chance for another fresh start, the next chapter, this time as an officially married couple.

Who's with me?

Check out the full article in The Houston Chronicle.

A Very Long Engagement

Its true, in some ways, Jason and I getting married is redundant. We share a home, custody of two cats, a bank account...our blood and money is mixed, so to speak, and as far as the government is concerned we've been married for ages. After seven years, and at my age (early 30's) I have to admit there is a part of me that feels ridiculous shopping around for white dresses, and posing for engagement shots. The whole thing feels a bit not me, and if me, then perhaps a decade over due.

And then there is the fact that from the time we got engaged (or more accurately, decided to just do it already,) to the time we actually have our wedding, a year and a half will have passed, adding even more time to our already established life together. I keep thinking, "Is it silly to be bothering with all of this now? Shouldn't have we done this when we were 23, and still infatuated with each other and just dying to be together every second? Isn't a wedding something that is supposed to make you count down the seconds? I see young brides who can't wait six months to get married. I was like,'If we can't get that wedding band I want, I am willing to wait another six years.'" Considering all my issues with how this whole thing reflects on me as a feminist anyway, why are we doing it at all?

Not to make it look like I am just doing things because my man tells me to, I did get some good sound reasoning from Jason as to why it makes sense for us. (He's my best friend, of course I am going to look to him for advice). The truth is, a wedding like this one, a chance to get together all of our friends and family and declare our love for each other is a nice kick in the pants after seven years. We are examining our love for each other, we are looking at our future together, and reaffirming, "yeah, this thing is forever. At least that is the plan."

Ditto on the engagement. For the next year, we have the luxury of little positive shocks to the nervous system of our relationship. We are planning this big milestone together. Whenever we find ourselves falling into the same old routine there is some decision to be made or thing to plan related to our wedding that brings us together. And instead of rushing through it, we're milking it for all its worth.

In a way we are doing it backwards. I don't think of us as 'getting married' because in my mind we are already married. We are having a wedding, and whether its to make it official to everyone else, or to celebrate that milestone to remind ourselves, I think it is only fitting to stop and question the whole thing every once in a while. Especially for a feminist.

White Wedding? Um...

Sorry I've been away so long friends! Off in radioland...

OK, so I am getting ready for a trip home to NY, and while there I will go on my first sojourn into wedding dress territory. I know I want to keep it cheap, I am leaning towards a JCrew dress (haven't you heard, JCrew does wedding dresses now...), and I am thinking very simple...no lace, no sparklies, and no veil.

But there is one traditional thing I just can't seem to let go of...I really want to wear white. Doesn't have to be pure white, very comfortable with ivory, or even champagne coloured, but I can't seem to get away from the standard image of "bridal".

And I am not even sure why. I am a total slob and will probably have wine down the front of my dress within the first 20 minutes. Also, have I earned the white in the 'traditional sense'..um, no. But I can't picture it any other way, now that I am allowing myself picture it, and I am not sure why. I have been going with the excuse of "when else do you get to wear a white dress?" But I am not sure that is really why. Is it totally hypocritical to stick with that weird standard?

Making a list, checking it twice

It's more than a year away and this wedding is already taking up a huge chunk of my time. And the drama has already begun. Granted, its a slight drama, more at a "very special episode of a sitcom" level of drama than say, an "Ibsen" or "Chekhov" level of drama, but it is all just right around the corner. I can feel it.

Who to invite? This is the question. Do we invite 150 people assuming only 100 will come (since its a big trip for about half the potential guests), or do we invite 100 people, and end up with 75? Or can we do a second round of invitations once we get the initial RSVPs based on room? Or is that totally rude? And how many of our parents friends/cousins we barely know are we really obliged to invite?

This is not really a feminist dilemma, I am just consumed with thinking about this at the moment, and had to share.

Also, (and this is a tiny bit more along the lines of feminist issues) are we allowed to tell our friends to leave their kids at home? There will be some children there who are family members, and some infants who can't be away from moms, and some out-of-towners who will have a harder time finding a sitter in Winnipeg. But what about our local friends who think its cool to just bring their kids everywhere with them (and some of them are not the most under control kids, or the most hands on parents)? How do you say to some one, "you're invited, but leave little Johnny at home please?"

Footloose

There is an interesting challenge, planning a "Jewish style" wedding in a city where I only know gentiles. I use the term "Jewish style" modeled after the term "Kosher style" in that we are taking the facades and cultural representations of the Jewish Wedding, without the Rabbi, prayers, and, well...without the religion I guess.

I don't even know how this is going to play out when it comes to the ceremony, right now I am trying to navigate through the plans for the reception. And I am wondering if other people know more about it this. Is it only Jews that dance through the whole wedding? All of the Jewish weddings I have been to, you dance right away after the ceremony and cocktail hour, and then the dance in punctuated by the meal. At the non-Jewish weddings I have been too, there is the ceremony, then the whole dinner, speeches, and only after dessert is served do people get up to dance. That seems to be the norm here in Winnipeg, and it is making it hard to plan my Jewish style wedding, especially without any other Jews around. I am not a gal who has been imagining her wedding day since she was a kid. Not even close. And there is nothing wrong with what I perceive as the "gentile style" (ooh, that has a nice ring to it), but when I think about the wedding I want to have, the one that we should have and represents us, the dancing the night away thing seems pretty important.

What Recession?

Good god, if I didn't know any better I would think it was the gay 90's again...

Apparently, Wedding masters The Knot are launching 75 new wedding websites " to offer the most robust local resources available for today's couples tying the knot. "

According to their announcement:

"At a time when the economy is pinching all advertising budgets, The Knot is focused on adding value for our local advertisers by maximizing their exposure online," said David Liu, CEO of The Knot Inc.

I checked the list, and naturally, Winnipeg is not on it. (sigh.)

I guess the idea is to help people keep their budgets down by giving more detailed, local oriented feedback and planning, but I have been looking at wedding photos online for 3 months now, and the more pictures I look at, the more directions I feel pulled in. Now The Knot is adding more than 1,700 real wedding photos, and I shudder to think how long it will take me to look through them, and how many new ideas will crop up in the process!

I feel like I went from not-even-interested-in-getting-married to bridezilla in under a minute. This vortex has a strong pull. Feminists, beware.

If I could marry my cat...I would think about it

You know that ridiculous argument against same sex marriage, that if we allow people of the same sex to marry each other, then the next step is bestiality? Well, sometimes I look at my big orange fella blinking at me lazily through eye buggers, and I think, "Hell yeah!"

OK, not really. (But sort of). But I use this jovial opening to introduce an issue that is a thorn in the side of my wedding. Same sex marriage, and the lack of legality. Now, I live in Canada, and same sex marriage is legal here, so it is honestly less of an issue. But I have guilt about living in Canada and what I am getting in general (free health care, regulated banks, etc.) and as an American, I do still care about the rights of my fellow Americans.

Even in Canada, the thrilling victory of Obama was dampened by the Prop 8 debacle in California, and there was this exasperated sense of "Come the hell on, America! Get with the program." In Canada same-sex marriage has been legal since 2005, and guess what? People are still getting married (HELLO?), people are still having babies, families are staying together, and guess what else? We have had an influx of wonderful homosexuals wanting to get married and live in a country that fully accepts them and extends them all the rights that they deserve. So suck on that Dobson and co!

There has been a lot of talk in New York, my home state, of legalizing same-sex marriage but the fact remains that in most of the United States, there are people who are not legally allowed to marry the people they choose. I have issues getting married knowing that the same rights are not available to other people. I have come to terms with the fact that there are other many compelling reasons to get married, but that is definitely a hang up that I have.

We have decided to create a special wedding book for our guests that highlights both the reasons we are getting married, and some of the reasons we hesitated before making that decision (I know, incredibly romantic, but more on that later.) We are definitely including the limited legality of same-sex marriage in the world as one of the reasons we hesitated.

And as far as my cat is concerned...there is no need to worry. He let me know that he really likes me as a friend, but turns out I'm not really his type.